Here I am at another crossroads.
The last one was my divorce- a tough one. But if I am honest with myself, hard as it was, painful as it was, and as many times as I thought I wouldn’t make it through, it was a no brainer. I had to move on to the next step. I grieved the loss, the dream- but I did move forward knowing without a doubt I would be better off. It was truly difficult, but there was no other option for me.
This current visit to the crossroads though is different. It’s happening without my being able to make a choice about it- my son is leaving for College.
I have always known I wanted to be a mom. In fact it has been the job that I have loved the most in my life. When I moved on from my divorce I knew that eventually I would get myself- who I had been- back. Now after being a mom for 27 years I’m suddenly realizing that I’m not sure who I’m going to be going forward.
It is the oddest feeling of all. Knowing he is ready to leave the nest, being so happy that he is so ready to go, knowing even, that that’s partly because I have helped him to be ready; but there is a part of me resisting wanting him to go. Am I ready? How do I prepare myself?
When my daughter was born it made me a better person. I knew my party day’s where over and I was ready to settle down and live my life in a way that would honor children. I wasn’t disappointed.
When my son was born I found myself opening up more fully to a spiritual calling. There was a driving force to want to deepen myself, for both of my children, in order to create the best home and world for them to grow into. I needed to know and understand more about who I was in order to be able to do that. I needed more information and to be bigger, in order to make sure I could.
And I knew I would need to live by example. I tried my best to show them how to love, laugh, loose and honor all of the mistake we made, and I made my mistakes as a mom. One thing I probably haven’t been the best at teaching them is how to always pick a good life partner. But I know that they are strong enough and secure enough in themselves to make valid decisions for themselves, and also to know that if they don’t always do so, they will have learned to look for the lesson.
At least I have taught them not to stay in an unhealthy marriage. And how to end a marriage and stay friends with the person you loved and had children with. How to beat nerve pain, and overcome cancer. How to move across the country and start over in a new place, and make great friends while keeping close to the ones left behind.
Here's to the next chapter of my life. I can no longer hide behind being a mom. But I have amazing grown children. So they are continuing to teach me. They are teaching me that I also have to step out now and be me. It’s time I left the nest, too.
I have to say I feel a little afraid of it and a little excited about it too. Bring it on Spirit. I'm waiting for the next move.